Peter Dolack

We interrupt this program to bring you this special bulletin
Two automated observatories inside the orbit of Mercury
Have now confirmed the news
The Sun is going nova
All life on Earth will be extinguished in eight minutes
When the radiation from the explosion of the Sun reaches Earth
More on this development in a minute
But first, it’s time for a traffic update
Routes 95, 1 and 84 are all jammed this evening
With cars trying to head east for Nova Scotia
Where it’s already night
If you’re trying to head east to escape a direct blast from the Sun’s deadly rays
You may want to try alternate routes
We’ll have another update on traffic in 10 minutes
If we haven’t been knocked off the air
Now we’ll go live to our correspondent on Mercury
Where residents will be the first to feel the effects of the Sun going nova
It’s another hot day here on Mercury
Where residents are busy packing up for evacuation to outer planets
We spoke to one earlier today
So tell me, sir, how do you feel about the end of the world?
I’ve got about three minutes to get into the teleport machine
Before this planet is reduced to cinders
So get the hell out of my way
Well, as you can see, the residents of Mercury are on edge tonight
Back to you in the studio
We’ll have more news on the end of the world in a minute
But first, let’s take a look at the weather
Its currently 53 degrees outside
But temperatures will climb sharply later today
With most of the atmosphere stripped away by the Sun’s explosion
We’ll have sunny skies for the foreseeable future
And high temperatures somewhere around 1,000 degrees
Eventually, however, a cooling trend will set in
As the Sun begins cooling into a white dwarf
You’ll want to keep those mittens and heavy jackets around
Temperatures should drop to 300 degrees below zero
Perhaps as low as 310 below in the normally cooler suburbs
Meanwhile, in Washington, Republicans and Democrats blamed each other
For the pending end of the world
Republicans called for a special prosecutor
Claiming the Sun would not be exploding if they controlled the White House
Democrats denied the charge
Noting there was no reason to believe the Sun
Could tell the difference between the two parties when no one else could
The deadly rays of the Sun are now just a few minutes away from Earth
We have a radiation expert in the studio who will give us tips on how to survive
But first, it’s time for the sports report
The New York Yankees again threatened to move to New Jersey
Claiming the city government showed bad faith
In submitting a design for a baseball stadium not hardened against radiation
The Yankees said the Meadowlands will be an especially attractive place to relocate
Because the increased heat from the Sun going nova
Will evaporate all the water there, making stadium construction much easier
Now let’s go live to Mars
Where our Martian correspondent is standing by
Residents of the Red Planet are busy making last-minute preparations
As Mars, like all inner planets, will be obliterated
We have about five minutes until the Sun’s deadly radiation destroys all life here
Let’s see if some of the people running by can talk
You there, sir, how do you feel about having 5 minutes left to live?
[whoosh]
How about you, ma’am?
Do you think the end of the world will affect the Grammy awards?
[whoosh]
Well, as you can see
People here are too busy to talk right now
Back to you in the studio
Here on Earth, we have about two minutes remaining
We’ll try to get in a last traffic update
But first let’s go to our Washington correspondent
Here in Washington, the situation is being monitored closely
The president is being kept abreast by his aides
And Congress has passed a resolution condemning the Sun
A White House aide I spoke to earlier today
Said she had overheard an executive assistant to a deputy undersecretary
Say the president is, quote, concerned, unquote, about the situation
Back to you in the studio
Thank you for another in-depth report from Washington
We have about 45 seconds remaining
Before the deadly onslaught of radiation washes over the Earth
And, standing by, we have a leading astrophysicist
Who will explain what chances we have of surviving, and why the Sun has exploded
But first, let’s squeeze in another traffic update
Our bridgecam is showing flecks of paint falling
Onto the upper deck of the George Washington Bridge
The paint is peeling as temperatures rise
With the approach of the shock wave from the Sun’s explosion
Better stick to the lower level if using the bridge to head east
The shock wave will also push the Moon closer to Earth
Causing higher tides
So you’ll want to avoid driving on coastal routes
We’ve got about 10 seconds remaining
So in these final moments
We hope you remember you heard it here first
Where the news never stops

–Peter Dolack